At last the moment has arrived. Today sees the final showdown between Barack Obama, the lanky professor many believe to be a Muslim, and to be fair he does kill a lot of Muslims, and the Halliburton M235 Robo-Mormon Lackey or “Romney” as it has come to be known. Man and droid are neck a neck as the citizens of Ohio, America's least thoughtful state, go to the polls.
The Obama victory expected by everyone except the programmers of the voting machines would bring few surprises. The President would immediately have to address the “Fiscal Cliff”, a situation named after Cliff Richard, because the nation's finances are totally shafted, but it is too ashamed to admit it. Obama's hope for tax rates to return to the levels seen in the Clinton era will be pitted against the Republican preference for the elimination of entitlements. What this means in practice is the replacement of Food Stamps and Earned Income Tax Credit with “Hunger Games” style tournaments, whereby Americans man enough to step over the corpses of their countrymen can win a family sized bucket of KFC.
Obama must hope he can come to some arrangement with the Republican House, which is a bit like your house, only less welcoming. Visceral hatred for his Stalinist attempts at providing healthcare for the sick will only make this task harder, although his remote controlled slaughter of Pakistani women and children enjoys strong bi-partisan support, so we can expect drone attacks to increase as an olive branch to Congress.
Despite the importance of deficit reduction, secret plans leaked to Sabotage Times, indicate at least one new area of Federal spending. High ranking Obama officials are putting together plans for a $50 billion “Right Choice” programme, funding academics and resting actors to portray how much worse a Romney victory would have been.
A Romney Presidency is more obscure. Mitt has policies, but they are written on golden tablets only he can read. There are some indications of a return to the 'low taxes and war in the Middle East' combo, that were so successful under President Bush. Meanwhile, rapists, a core Republican constituency, are hoping that Vice President Ryan will make good on earlier promises to stop the slaughter of their innocent, unborn children.
Abroad, Romney would continue to act with the deft touch and diplomacy he has shown during the campaign, by shoring up embattled Iranian hardliners through vigorous sabre rattling and promoting stronger ties with Isreal, the Middle East's number one peacemaker. Romney also has a deep respect for Mexico and its culture, even once expressing a desire to be Mexican, so his immigration policies are likely to include a sponsored swim of the Rio Grande and wandering round El Paso blindfolded, hitting people with a stick.
More thoughtful observers predict that Romney will fulfil Mormon founder Joseph Smith's 'White Horse Prophesy' by turning 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into a country pub, then spending four years in front of a roaring fire, lamenting the decline of market town centres over a nice warm pint of Bishop's Weasel.
Whatever the outcome of America's election it has certainly vindicated its underwriters. Chinese democracy is looking pretty sensible right now.