Syria Condemns UK Chemical Weapons Attack

Under fire Syrian president Bashar al-Assad has condemned the UK for what he called 'a state-sponsored chemical attack, specifically targeted at children'. Assad accused the NHS of poisoning children with methylphenidate, in punishment for rebellious behaviour, and cited independent investigations that have confirmed the chemical agent,more commonly known as Ritalin, is given to half a million childrenin the UK each year. After calling for UN inspectors to oversee the destruction of British stockpiles of Ritalin the despot, in one of his rare candid moments, added 'I'm fighting against fanatical jihadis who're trying to kill me and my family, they're drugging kids for talking back in class.'

Prime Minister David Cameron hit back with a robust defence of chemically modifying the behaviour of infants saying 'docility actually helps disadvantaged children adjust to their low station.' He reassured assembled journalists and broadsheet readers that 'this is not a prescription for the offspring of strivers. The oiklets taking these pills will earn minimum wage if they have a job at all. The last thing we want them to grow up with is a habit of questioning authority.'

Education Secretary Michael Gove joined his leader in defending the government's use of Ritalin by raising the spectre of the 2011 riots. 'After our nation witnessed such scenes of profoundly disturbing violence in London, Birmingham and Manchester, we agreed that it was best for everybody if the poor stayed on their estates, and however much we would wish to have a teaching profession capable of inuring them to that depressing reality, for the time being we must rely on pyschostimulants.'

President Obama welcomed sounding the alarm as he cordially condemned the practice and called for action to be taken now, or at some point in the future. Despite this swift and assured response he was criticised by House Republicans and conservative pundits for not describing Ritalin as a 'freedom suppressant' in his remarks. Senator Rand Paul vowed to 'protect Amercian liberty from chemical attack' with his Ritalout Pledge which calls for the automatic impeachment of Obama if a single American child is found to have been given the drug.

Children on Ritalin were like 'whatever'.